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To Understand All is to Forgive All


I reread this livejournal post of mine from 2005 and I wonder if I can ever be so hopeful about being in a relationship again.


... to understand all is to forgive all

Seems like a very noble thing to do... understanding someone. Nevermind that you were shattered into a state of none being everytime you hear stories of what he has been doing behind your back. You even convince yourself that everyone's just out to break the two of you apart. You believe every word he tells you and take it all in the name of love when at the same time you know - you see through him. You have known him too long... too well not to realize what the truth really is but you tell yourself, you convince yourself that you just had to be wrong. Because how can someone who claims that you are the only thing that ever really matters possibly do something that he knows will crush and tear your you apart.

You love him more thinking that it has to be the only way to make things change... to make things better. You get to realize now that you are as pathetic as the battered spouses you see on TV who cannot bring themselves to break up with their partners. You start to see their point. You get to realize that while you are slowly killing yourself by staying with him... it'll be your death when you leave. He has become the air that you breathe.

When you feel that you've had enough, you try to keep what you have by sleeping around. You delude yourself that it's the only way the two of you can stay together. Let him have his fun and you do the same just to make things even. Then you wouldn't hate him so much... because how can you hate him when he is the life of you. You start thinking, if we break up, then at least it won't just be his fault. You let him know that you play around and it somehow validates your love seeing him suffer. He then tells you that he cannot let you go. You start thinking, things will be different from there on. Things will be better. And they do get better. For at least three months... then he starts to lie again. You see the signs but you choose to ignore them. You tell yourself you're just paranoid. At this point, fate must really be getting pissed off at how stupid you are that she decides to take action. You get slapped by the truth. It gets laid out in front of you like a neon sign that you can no longer deny it. You leave him. You know that you are dying but you leave him. On the other hand you know that he will go after you. There is comfort in that knowledge. But you tell yourself that this time, you'll stand by your decision. You take on a new relationship. You go with somebody who loves you as much as you loved him... as much as you still love him. He comes to claim you back but you tell him, never again. Now you get to hear everything you wanted to hear from him. He admits to everything... well almost everything. He tells you, he cannot live without you. You listen to him and you feel like you are listening to yourself. That is exactly how you feel. He is mouthing the words that are just dying to fly out of your own mouth.

This is the moment when you are supposed to forgive everything and it's about time for your happy ending... but now you are too afraid. You turn around and you stay away from him. You know that he suffers. You know that he is starting to hate you. What he doesn't know is that you suffer more. You are trying to block emotions that are flooding you night and day. You cannot function. You try to get on with your life but you know that you will never be okay until you see him move on. But he doesn't move on. You talk to him from time to time and see how he's doing. You know that you're not over him and that you love him just as much as you did. You know that he feels the same. He starts to sleep and play around. He tells you about them... his conquests. You tell him to stop but he tells you that he will only stop when you get back together. You see him wasting away. You don't want that but you know that you cannot make things better by being with him. Not this time. You contemplate day and night to just forgive and forget but you know that you will never forget. One day, he calls you up and he sounds okay. He tells you that he has moved on. You get shattered again but you tell yourself that that is what you want. Besides, you have started to realize that you actually feel his love for you more when you are not together. You know that your love is one for the books and it will always be there.You try to move on with your life and for the first time you see that while you have been trying to make things better for him, you have completely forgotten about yourself. You're now in a shithole so deep you can't seem to get out. You try to salvage what's left of your life but have been out too long, it seems impossible.

You are at your worst.

Then you meet someone new. Someone maybe more jaded but he promises to change for you. You think, we can start there and hope that you won't make the same mistakes. You try to get back to the old you. You try to make yourself better. You know that you love this new guy already and you want to at least give him the undented version of you. Things are still tough but you are starting to get hopeful. Then he comes back... The old flame flickers but you stop it at its track. You cannot have this... not now. Maybe not ever. You know you will always have the love... but you have a new life now. It may not be much but it's fixable. You look at your new partner and you wish fervently. You hope that you have not committed the same mistake. You hope this time things will be different... you look at him and you know that there are no guarantees, that the best you have is Hope.

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2 comments:

  1. hindi ako ang nakaka-relate pero yung nililigawan ko no doubt na dumadaan sa ganitong process kagaya ng nasa entry mo. kakainis.

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  2. I might be going through the first few parts of this entry. don't know yet how it will end :(

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