For over a year now, I have been trying hard to avoid grieving over my ex who died from a brain tumor. I somehow managed to pretend that we are on one of our many spats and we are just not speaking to each other. That he is just around somewhere, partying and hooking up with random strangers like he always did. And then, for no reason at all, while looking for Youtube videos to post on Bernie Macs death, it all hit me... and it hit me hard.
Last year, while I was smacked in the middle of the biggest professional crisis that I faced, I got a call telling me that my ex whom I lived with for almost two years and who remained to be a close friend, three years after we broke up, was brought to Makati Medical Center. He was already in a coma, they said. He was diagnosed with brain tumor and he was not waking up anymore.
I didn't know how to react then. I didn't even want to see him. He was in a coma. There was no point. I couldn't talk to him anymore. We had issues unresolved and they will forever remain that way. We managed to live with the fact that we weren't right for each other. We had just grown to become friends. After all the drama that we had gone through after our break-up, being friends was a major step up for us. Of course we avoided talking about our current relationships. It was an unspoken rule.
I went to the hospital hoping that he would miraculously wake up but I knew better. This wasn't a movie with a happy ending. This is real life. There wouldn't be any dramatic music swelling in the background as we hold hands. He wouldn't hear what I wanted to say. He would never know how sorry I was/am for hurting him. And he will never be back... not ever. His family let me in to see him even after visiting hours. His new boyfriend was in the room but he knew who I was. He asked if I was okay. I managed to offer a polite nod. I went beside his deathbed but I didn't know what to do. "Talk to him," his new boyfriend said. But I couldn't even bring myself to look at him. I brought my hand close to him and let our fingers touch. Then I left without saying anything. That was the last time I saw him. Two days later he was dead.
My buddy Jae held my hand in the cab ride back to work from the hospital. He held my hand as I cried. He didn't say anything. He didn't need to. He was just there for me like he always is. I am lucky I have him. He is my rock and I love him.
Locked in my office, I wrote my goodbye letter to Jomai. I finished crying when I finished writing my letter. Then I had to face life again. I had trouble I needed to curb at work. The expat that owned the company just abandoned us and there were over 200 people that needed to get paid. There was work to do and I had to step up and do it. There was no time to grieve. Even at his funeral I couldn't cry. I didn't cry for him again for a long time... until tonight.
Today, I looked up my old briefcase files. One of them is a copy of an unapproved Friendster testimonial that Jomai wrote from after we broke up. Four and a half years after it was written, along with my goodbye letter, I think it is time for it to be posted.
You have 2 testimonials to approve or reject:
When I ended my life's chapter with you, and abt to write the next, I cant start, I tried really hard to compose myself to start the next chapter of my life, but I still failed to begin it, I realized, that when I ended our chapter I also ended my life. Please dont get hold of me, I'm already crushed and broken into pieces, the best gift that you can give is a gift of letting go, my freedom. Let me fly and soar my dark stormy sky, I dont even know where to go or what am I looking for, but despite of storm and darkness, I'd rather fly without direction, because I believe that heaven's wind will lead to a place where I can continue my life, Otherwise, Im gonna live in pain and sorrow, see you getting torn, falling for somebody new, thats the worst situation that i can ever be, I'd rather ask God to take away my life than to witness it right infront of me.
Tell me his name I want to know The way he looks And where you go I need to see his face I need to understand Why you and I came to an end Tell me again I want to hear Who broke my faith in all these years Who lays with you at night When I'm here all alone Remembering when I was your own I'll let you go I'll let you fly Why do I keep on asking why I'll let you go Now that I found A way to keep somehow More than a broken vow Tell me the words I never said Show me the tears you never shed Give me the touch That one you promised to be mine Or has it vanished for all time
May 5, 2007
Nanlalamang ka na naman!! Dba sabi ko sayo dati, I foresee myself dying before the age of 25. Tapos ngayon, inunahan mo ako. Ang sama mo talaga kahit kelan.
Nung nagsasama pa tayo, dami nating away bati. Naalala ko pa minsan, nasa gilid tayo ng Equitable sa tabi ng Robinson's Galeria, nag-iiyakan. Nanloko ka kasi nun. Tapos syempre gumanti ako... tapos sabi mo, kalimutan na natin lahat kasi d mo kaya na wala ako. Syempre, nagpabola ako kasi d ko din kaya na wala ka e. Sabi mo pa nun, "Dba pangarap pa natin lumipat ng condo? Yung unit na may view? Pano na natin magagawa yun kung iiwan mo ako?" Nakatingin tayo pareho sa Citiland nun at gandang ganda na tayo. Babaw natin. Madadrama at mabababaw. Wala tayo pakialam sa mga dumadaan satin nun. Parang drama. Nagyayakapan tayo habang umiiyak tapos yun na, gaya ng isang libo pang away nating nakalipas, nawala nalang lahat ng galit natin sa isa't isa.
Sa loob ng halos dalawang taon na magkasama tayo, ang dami kong natutunan sayo. Brat kasi ako dati sabi mo dba. Pag d nasusunod ang gusto, lumalayas... nang-aaway at tsaka palaganti. Alam mo ba na dahil sayo, mejo nabago ko na yun. D naman totally, pero malaki na improvement. Totoo!
Dahil sayo, natuto ako magpasensya. Natuto akong magtiis. Natuto ako mag-commute, kumain ng fishball, at mag-videoke. Higit sa lahat, natuto akong magmahal ng iba na higit pa sa sarili ko.
Pero sabi nga, lahat ng bagay may katapusan. Nasa kanta yun e... sabi pa nga, kahit gustuhin pa nating lumaban... wala na tayo magagawa minsan. Alam ko iniisip mo, d ko tayo pinaglaban. Na basta nag give-up nalng ako. Na niloko kita... at ako ang pinakamasamang tao sa mundo. I gave up on us and our dreams of a life together. Til the end sabi natin dati pero eto nga may kanya-kanya na tayong buhay.
Siguro dapat tinuruan moko dati pano magpatawad. Kahit ngayon kasi yan pa rin weakness ko e. Kaya nung feeling ko dati, sagad na sagad na galit ko sayo, tiniis kita. Iniwan kita at naghanap ako ng iba. Pinigilan ko sarili ko kahit nakikita kita na ginagawa lahat para maayos tayo.
Naalala ko pa nun, kahit lunch break mo lang sa Makati, pinupuntahan mko sa Eastwood para lang pilitin ako na makipagbalikan. Pero iniwasan kita. Ayoko makita ka kasi nagsawa ako sa mga away natin. Alam naman natin pareho na d nawala ang pagmamahal e. Pero d ko lang talaga kaya na tayo uli. You brought out the best and the worst in me, kaya natakot ako.
Mga tatlong taon na din since nung naghiwalay tayo. From time to time niloloko mo pa din ako ng i love you sa text o kaya YM. Pag meron ka naaachieve na pangarap natin, sini-share mo pa din sakin. Sinasabi mo, "Baby, bumili nko ng condo. Yung pangarap natin. Lipat ka pag nakuha ko na ha." Minsan sinasabi mo pa, lokohin natin si Jae, alis tayo. Tapos sinsabi ko sayo, gago, mahal ko yun at mabait nko ngayon. Ilang beses ka din na out of the blue na makipagbalikan. Sabi ko, hay nko, bakante na naman si Jomai kaya ako na naman kinukulit. Nakaka-aliw na minsan e nakakalungkot ung mga moments natin na ganun. Siguro dahil natanggap na din natin na d na talaga mangyayari.
Kanina nung nakita kita sa hospital at sabi sakin brain dead ka na daw, d ko alam kung magagalit ako sayo or maaawa. Una ata naasar pako sayo. Yun nga nanlalamang ka, pati nang-aagaw ka ng plano ng may plano. Sabi ko, ay nako, d kita iiyakan. D ka man lang nagpaalam or nagparamdam man lang. Yun kaya ginagawa ng mga mamamatay na. Huling text mo, sabi mo HOY. Ano un? Pangit naman ng paalam mo. D ko na inantay na mawalan ka ng hininga kasi masyado na masakit e. Alam ko naman na alam mo na kahit d naging tayo ulit, na mahal naman kita lagi e. D na yung pagmamahal sa boyfriend or asawa, pero lam mo na un. Lam ko naman ganun ka din e. Naniniwala ako kasi na may mga tao na laging magiging konektado sa isa't isa. Yung parang soulmates. D natin kailangang maging tayo para malaman yun. Nararamdaman yun. At alam ko kung saan ka man ngayon, e alam mo ung nararamdaman ko. Sorry at d ko na sinabi sayo lahat dati nung buhay ka pa. Sorry din dahil alam ko nasaktan kita ng sobra.
Magmulto ka nalng anytime, okay lang yun. Isipin mo din ako paminsan minsan. Alam ko mamimiss kita sobra pero magkikita pa tayo uli, sigurado ako. Wag ka na gumimik masyado kung saan ka man ngayon, bawal ata yan jan. Wag ka papagutom at mag-iingat ka lagi. Alam ko naman na jan, wala na makaksakit sayo. Wala na manloloko. And finally magiging masaya ka na.
I was never able to tell Jomai how sorry I was for hurting him. His coma robbed me of that opportunity and that has been eating up on me. We shared so much and aspired for the same goals. Sometimes I feel guilty whenever I feel too happy or too content because I feel like I deserve to be miserable as atonement for what I did to him.
My life has been a mess since last year. Two deaths, two lawsuits and unemployment plagued me. All that time, I just wanted to curl up and wake up when everything is all better and it's about time for my happy ending. But this is real life. I can't fast forward and cut to the end. I have to live it and work on it. Crappy as it may be. I think now I am finally ready to face the past and move on. At least now I think I can try.